Breathing Deeply with a Smile

There are random spurts where I will have relief. I can inhale and exhale with ease and feel a refreshing release.

But they are brief.

Majority of the time I have been having this shortness of breath...where my inhaling isn't full...and breathing out is never deep enough.

It's as if I am supressing something heavy within me that I am not allowing myself to be free from. It's weighing me down so heavily I'm suffocated by the thought.

Anxiety driven, insecurities reaching the surface once again, the feeling of inferiority with the simplest of stares looked down upon me. The judgment is so transparent that it cannot be compensated for.

Then there are the eyes of admiration. Those who see a light they claim is within me. But I cannot decipher the truth with what they see in their eyes versus what I see in mine. There's distortion with what I see in the mirror. It's physical. It's pschological. It's mental. But the emotions are pure. Yet, they cannot be expressed to the fullest because of the overlapping consequences. I have yet to overcome the vulnerability of my surroundings. Hence, the source of the distortion.

I'm sharing multiple thoughts combined into one. It's been so overwhelming that although they are seperate elements, the burden of them all has combined into one large emotion.

They haven't been set aside, but rather, I have yet to find the cure to overcome the hurt that continues to instill within me.

Prayer has been key. Action has been the fear to face. Learning to stand tall...I need to be reminded of the moments where I was once able, because suddenly...I am once again incapable on many levels. Not all, but the isolation has made the room cold. The silence has truly been deafening. I'm exhausted by the preconceived notion of others...that I am okay.

Remind me that I am. I need to be reaffirmed there are other smiles to look at. The smiles that cause the ripple effect and contagiously touch any heart that hurts.

Will someone smile for me? So I can breathe well again without worry.

Simplistic Ramble

Everything's been calm. :-) Simple and smooth. Not rough or rocky. It's been relaxed and easy. Not loud or blatantly brash. Subtle, but not subdued.

Do I miss the chaos? I have at times, but I pick health and sanity over the desperate longing to relive recklessness. I don't care for reverting back to climbing when I'm already there.

I'm now at the part where one may feel like they're walking alone, but the feeling only comes from the change to the abrupt stage where time didn't allow us to adjust.

It will be gratifying in the end when the temporary isolating stage finds the resolution fitted appropriately, and *everytwo* gather together to share what they had learned during the time they searched for their answer for this one necessary experience to life.

The more flexible they are, the better. The more structured they are where they cannot look outside of their space left for two, they will struggle when their limited focus breaks and shatters. Options and variations are essential for failed risks taken.

Granted, one may not fail. One may succeed in the search, but will they remember what had been sacrificed? Will they be able to collect what they had dropped along the way?...Will they even want to...or was that always the plan? To have your past years be a part of the strategy needed to sustain the health? <--If *this* is the case, I wish you well, my friends. I'm thankful I was there to assist you in your journey. ~Funny...is this karma for undermining the details to mine? Suddenly...I am humbled.

This has almost been decade's worth of a lesson, but the light is beginning to brighten. I'm slowly relaxing the stiffness of my spine, loosening my flexed body, simply to enjoy and embrace just as you all have...which is what I should have been doing from the beginning. But you know what they say...when one looks up in the sky or over their shoulder. If not, then study your stage and be honest with what you're standing in.

Ignorant minds are always joyful because they refuse to know anything beyond their limited and selective knowledge. The ones who have the landscape mindset are the ones who suffer, for they see everything and hold every detail to equivalent value with the next. The ones who will sustain peace and grasp the concept of lasting love, those who are appreciative, grateful, and loyal to being mindful, are able to have a focal point and not discard all other elements which they know will be needed for acknowledgment later.

The farther north I go, the more nostalgic I get. The more I revel in the south, the more isolated I become, but I'm not blind. I'm flexible enough to continue on seeking balance. Going off course does not compel me to jump off and stop moving. That is ending all far too early. I will continue to live and assist in the travels of others. Once I'm at a balance, that's when the new game begins. The game where everyone wins. Until then...I shall continue to be strategic, but *this* time...with a smile.

In other words, I miss my friends.


Post Scriptum:

Did you know that when you think a message is directed towards you, but you're not sure...this could potentially mean there is something you have yet to resolve? Either that or you're straight up guilty. *OR* if you assume this is of another, you're just snoopy? ***Communication. You know what I say. It's a beautiful thing.***

Back "Home"

I'm back from New York. :-) It was very memorable, fun times. :-)

Sunday I'm taking this day to recoup...and then, summer school begins! whooo!

Time for sleep. Will share anything and everything about my vacation for anyone who asks. :-P

Peach out for now. :-)

~me

:-)

I can finally breathe again. :-)

New York has been the best kick-off for the upcoming months.

It's going to be a great summer, fa sho! ;-) hehehe

Thanks for playing!

It didn't work...but thanks to those who played along anyway. :-P

Here I am. In New York. Yet, again. ;-) I will be here for one week, arriving home Saturday night.

...and then...

School begins Monday!...again!...yay?

I. Am. Done.

I'm not done...but I feel done. And in a closing type of way. I'm just...I'm so ready to just...

Well, let me put it this way.

I'm ready to go home.
I want to go home.

I'm going home. Watch out now, K-town peoples, Mz. De Leon's home! ;-) watch out now.

As of 4PM...

Tonight, I am freaking getting wreckless (in a safe manner). Will someone be wreckless with me!?...any takers? Going once...going twice...

No, seriously. If anyone wants to go out tonight, or even this weekend, let me know. If I don't hear from anyone over on this side of the mountains by 4PM...Sarah, you just better have some Burger Ranch with a side of alllllll the stuff we had way back when with the Cha Cha at 5am fun or *something* waiting for me coz' shooots...I'm heading your way! I'm getting *way* too edgy.

Need to shake it off. WHO IS WITH ME!?!?!?!? ....deng....I think I'm hearing crickets :-(

Well, I'm putting it out there! Either you're in...or I'm out! Coz', why!?

FRIGGIN' LAST DAY OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!!! Heck YES it is! :-D