Tuesday, March 2, 2010
BURNING HOLE
THEY ARE FUCKING DRIVING ME AWAY, AND IF ANYONE SUPPORTS ME OUT THERE, SOMEONE TELL THEM TO BACK THE FUCK OFF OF ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Ask and you shall receive
"May the wrong influences from whatever source or sources be driven away!"
...now why would she want me to get rid of her? Well...if you insist! I can have that arranged. -Don't ANY of you dare fucking push me any more than you already have. Let me fucking breathe and stop SHOVING me off the damn edge!
...now why would she want me to get rid of her? Well...if you insist! I can have that arranged. -Don't ANY of you dare fucking push me any more than you already have. Let me fucking breathe and stop SHOVING me off the damn edge!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hatred in my Heart
It's February, can you imagine? Time always flies...it's more shocking when it slows down, but it always suprises me when I blink my eyes and suddenly I'm forwarded into a new month.
I've been feeling like such a robot lately. School and church, church and school...and in between church and school, I eat. When I'm away from the thoughts of school, church, and eating, I'm holding my breath waiting for the next exasperating crap to erupt and plop on my lap.
I feel like my heart is under the heaviest weight and I'm pinned down...unable to reposition or get up and move forward.
I'm alotted 15 minutes to let the stress fester and consume my thoughts, then I'm supposed to just let it go and continue my attempt to function. ~I'm lacking vibrance. I feel so dead after all of the up and down hell that I've lost my vibrance. I feel pale and limp.
That one brief moment back in January where I had the opportunity to just let the waste go...my GOD that was such a great feeling. For that one brief moment I felt so empowered...I allowed myself to actually think for myself, and control my life, but then it backfired because I actually allowed hope to come back in. I allowed myself to hope.
Everyone has their own version of hell. This is mine, and it is the heaviest crap I have ever encountered. Add that with the mix of isolation and you have straight up depression.
Priest said in the end you may have to choose. I choose the ones who make me feel loved. I choose the ones that in the end, I feel comfort and that I'm actually wanted, appreciated and respected. How much longer must I allow myself to be consumed with the patronism, hypocrisy, and verbal abuse? -The brash approach will never get you anywhere, that's how people let go of you.
Compassion. Embrace. Warmth. I am told that in the worst case, I am to choose. Well, damn. Freedom from fear? Or being continued to be pissed on in imprisonment by those who will forever think less of me.
It's draining to constantly kill myself trying to convince the ones who think I am nothing that I have actually accomplished something...when the ones who respect me and show it acclaim that I have achieved so much beyond my sight and I am worth everything.
To choose to see the value within myself and find the will to smile with ease, or continue the urge to grit my teeth as I am whipped by the unconstructive criticism by this faux perfection that is impossible to attain.
You know you're in the wrong when you're on the verge of wishing someone dead. You know you need a change when the one you want dead is yourself. You know the ones who care are the ones who ask why you cry to embrace you in the end, versus the ones who ask why you cry to fucking piss on you more...and with what weight?
I went to confession two weeks ago because I have so much hatred in my heart. I have yet to forgive. I can't find it within myself. When I search within myself all I see is poison and a dagger that will slowly rip out and break away the flesh. To forgive means to completely forget and move forward. God help me.
I've been feeling like such a robot lately. School and church, church and school...and in between church and school, I eat. When I'm away from the thoughts of school, church, and eating, I'm holding my breath waiting for the next exasperating crap to erupt and plop on my lap.
I feel like my heart is under the heaviest weight and I'm pinned down...unable to reposition or get up and move forward.
I'm alotted 15 minutes to let the stress fester and consume my thoughts, then I'm supposed to just let it go and continue my attempt to function. ~I'm lacking vibrance. I feel so dead after all of the up and down hell that I've lost my vibrance. I feel pale and limp.
That one brief moment back in January where I had the opportunity to just let the waste go...my GOD that was such a great feeling. For that one brief moment I felt so empowered...I allowed myself to actually think for myself, and control my life, but then it backfired because I actually allowed hope to come back in. I allowed myself to hope.
Everyone has their own version of hell. This is mine, and it is the heaviest crap I have ever encountered. Add that with the mix of isolation and you have straight up depression.
Priest said in the end you may have to choose. I choose the ones who make me feel loved. I choose the ones that in the end, I feel comfort and that I'm actually wanted, appreciated and respected. How much longer must I allow myself to be consumed with the patronism, hypocrisy, and verbal abuse? -The brash approach will never get you anywhere, that's how people let go of you.
Compassion. Embrace. Warmth. I am told that in the worst case, I am to choose. Well, damn. Freedom from fear? Or being continued to be pissed on in imprisonment by those who will forever think less of me.
It's draining to constantly kill myself trying to convince the ones who think I am nothing that I have actually accomplished something...when the ones who respect me and show it acclaim that I have achieved so much beyond my sight and I am worth everything.
To choose to see the value within myself and find the will to smile with ease, or continue the urge to grit my teeth as I am whipped by the unconstructive criticism by this faux perfection that is impossible to attain.
You know you're in the wrong when you're on the verge of wishing someone dead. You know you need a change when the one you want dead is yourself. You know the ones who care are the ones who ask why you cry to embrace you in the end, versus the ones who ask why you cry to fucking piss on you more...and with what weight?
I went to confession two weeks ago because I have so much hatred in my heart. I have yet to forgive. I can't find it within myself. When I search within myself all I see is poison and a dagger that will slowly rip out and break away the flesh. To forgive means to completely forget and move forward. God help me.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Goodbye 2009
2009 treated me well. and it ended with a happy note: my niece was brought into the world! :-)
I hope everyone has a prosperous 2010. I'm praying for new doors to open in this upcoming new decade...and that this upcoming year will be filled with warm, spiritually filled, open hearts.
my 2010 resolutions? to always find reason to smile. to work hard towards feeling the rewards of accomplishment and full forth effort. to be proud of who i am and what i continue to make of myself no matter what struggles come my way. to put more trust in Him and allow myself to see His will placed before my eyes and to not lose sight of His reasons for every moment I face.
until next year!
Goodbye 2009 :-)
I hope everyone has a prosperous 2010. I'm praying for new doors to open in this upcoming new decade...and that this upcoming year will be filled with warm, spiritually filled, open hearts.
my 2010 resolutions? to always find reason to smile. to work hard towards feeling the rewards of accomplishment and full forth effort. to be proud of who i am and what i continue to make of myself no matter what struggles come my way. to put more trust in Him and allow myself to see His will placed before my eyes and to not lose sight of His reasons for every moment I face.
until next year!
Goodbye 2009 :-)
Friday, December 11, 2009
On December 11,2009 @ 7:41AM EST...
!~ALICE MARIE CHUANG WAS BORN~! :-D
I'M A TITA!!...FOR REAL THIS TIME! :-D
Congratulations to Pia and William!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
:-)
First, a funny:
One day at kindergarten the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "I'm sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, David. Come up here and I'll give you $10."
As the teacher was giving David his money, she said, "You know, David, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ.'"
David replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
----------------------
haha!
----------------------
Second:
I really did have a wonderful birthday weekend. Everyone made it *extremely* special. I feel really blessed to have such amazing friends and family in my life.
Special thanks to Jean for not taking away my happy socks! >:-P
----------------------
Third:
Today, please pray for the fallen heroes, their friends and family, and our city. For those who aren't in the Lakewood/Tacoma area, here's the link to the program for the memorial: Our Fallen Heroes
One day at kindergarten the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "I'm sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, David. Come up here and I'll give you $10."
As the teacher was giving David his money, she said, "You know, David, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ.'"
David replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
----------------------
haha!
----------------------
Second:
I really did have a wonderful birthday weekend. Everyone made it *extremely* special. I feel really blessed to have such amazing friends and family in my life.
Special thanks to Jean for not taking away my happy socks! >:-P
----------------------
Third:
Today, please pray for the fallen heroes, their friends and family, and our city. For those who aren't in the Lakewood/Tacoma area, here's the link to the program for the memorial: Our Fallen Heroes
Thursday, December 3, 2009
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