When people ask me that question, I don't even know what to say anymore because I've been feeling so down from multiple things for so long now that it's just a blurred stream of strain and muddled sad emotions with no specific detail. When people want a back story to why I'm feeling so down, I have nothing to share because the response is either one of two things: 1) it's the same as it always has been 2) you've been out of my life for far too long, therefore I don't have any energy whatsoever to fill you in, it's too exhausting to go that far back in time...okay maybe three things: 3) your comfort is appreciated, but it's not what I'm looking for.
And I don't know what I'm looking for, but I sure as hell haven't found it yet. :(. Because if I did, I wouldn't have had anoher crying melting breakdown like a just did a moment ago. Seriously, these sporadic emotional breakdowns are really taking a toll on me, and it's KILLING ME that I don't have the proper outlet.
I'm typing until I start to get drowsy. I think it's finally working. Until next time...
Monday, May 3, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Don't mind me, it's my diary after all.
No, really. Don't pay attention to this emo-phase I'm going through. I'm just sending this out into the void.
-At times I feel like there's no one to talk to...but at times maybe that's a good thing, because that always gets me into trouble. And although it may be better, it sure as hell doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling such a loss inside.
Ugh, I hate how you all have traumatized me for life. Condescending, patronizing, insensitive, brash, barking, cruel CRUEL, closed-minded people! I've worked so hard for this moment approaching, and all I can do is dread. People rejoice in this, cry tears of happiness, who do I get to do that with for more than a moment?
I've been so suffocated and trapped with the thoughts of you. I'm about to crack.
"It's not enough just to have good intentions behind those actions. It doesn't change the fact that they could be wrong."
When will I finally allow myself to live?
Oh, and in my other world...the prepubescent, pompous banter from the self-righteous. Waste of space is what it is.
And I've also accepted that I will never ever be able to immerse myself in an environment that I will never be able to fully embrace in its entirety. What the fuck is wrong with that? Nothing is my exact point! Can you handle that? Or after all that you've been taught, is that still not enough for you? If that's the case, let's just be real with it. You want a criteria, I want acceptance. Continue to press me and I will bounce out so fast, it will be like nothing new.
Okay, that's enough of my rant for all. Happy May-month, everyone. :-/
-At times I feel like there's no one to talk to...but at times maybe that's a good thing, because that always gets me into trouble. And although it may be better, it sure as hell doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling such a loss inside.
Ugh, I hate how you all have traumatized me for life. Condescending, patronizing, insensitive, brash, barking, cruel CRUEL, closed-minded people! I've worked so hard for this moment approaching, and all I can do is dread. People rejoice in this, cry tears of happiness, who do I get to do that with for more than a moment?
I've been so suffocated and trapped with the thoughts of you. I'm about to crack.
"It's not enough just to have good intentions behind those actions. It doesn't change the fact that they could be wrong."
When will I finally allow myself to live?
Oh, and in my other world...the prepubescent, pompous banter from the self-righteous. Waste of space is what it is.
And I've also accepted that I will never ever be able to immerse myself in an environment that I will never be able to fully embrace in its entirety. What the fuck is wrong with that? Nothing is my exact point! Can you handle that? Or after all that you've been taught, is that still not enough for you? If that's the case, let's just be real with it. You want a criteria, I want acceptance. Continue to press me and I will bounce out so fast, it will be like nothing new.
Okay, that's enough of my rant for all. Happy May-month, everyone. :-/
Monday, April 26, 2010
I can't help it
I feel love from every which way, at the same time it feels so far away. I find myself crying at the most random of times, completely helpless feeling and bedbound.
I know if I were to put forth effort, comfort would be there, but sometimes you want to be the one who is reached out to, yes? And even then...I no longer know which hand that is reaching out to me is the right one to accept.
I've known this for a while, but I don't do well with change. It can't be helped, but they have been happening so fast and I feel like I haven't been able to keep up with them.
I thank God for guiding me as He has in this past year. I thank Him for stabilizing my life and helping me find a purpose and a focus, but the process has been so hard...so much of the time I feel like I'm fighting forward alone.
Is that even possible? To have love within your grasp and still feel lonely.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Slightly off topic, but connecting to it, I'm absolutely dreading May. And I hate that I'm dreading it, it's as if it has already been robbed from me. What's supposed to be a joyful time has already been another vacation that I fear for the life of me. I fear that it will be another time where I will be placed on a backburner...either that or the hotseat. And I won't be able to savor any moment I should be savoring.
That moment will not be taken away from me. I refuse to be robbed of a time that is meant for me and for those who love. I don't care if I am a sidenote, but if I am a burden, then don't bother.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I'm tired, lonely, and am in desperate need of a hug, not cruelty. I am in desperate need of surroundings that comfort, console, embrace, warmth...nothing of brash and hard tones, that isn't my style. I'm draining so fast...God help me.
I know if I were to put forth effort, comfort would be there, but sometimes you want to be the one who is reached out to, yes? And even then...I no longer know which hand that is reaching out to me is the right one to accept.
I've known this for a while, but I don't do well with change. It can't be helped, but they have been happening so fast and I feel like I haven't been able to keep up with them.
I thank God for guiding me as He has in this past year. I thank Him for stabilizing my life and helping me find a purpose and a focus, but the process has been so hard...so much of the time I feel like I'm fighting forward alone.
Is that even possible? To have love within your grasp and still feel lonely.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Slightly off topic, but connecting to it, I'm absolutely dreading May. And I hate that I'm dreading it, it's as if it has already been robbed from me. What's supposed to be a joyful time has already been another vacation that I fear for the life of me. I fear that it will be another time where I will be placed on a backburner...either that or the hotseat. And I won't be able to savor any moment I should be savoring.
That moment will not be taken away from me. I refuse to be robbed of a time that is meant for me and for those who love. I don't care if I am a sidenote, but if I am a burden, then don't bother.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I'm tired, lonely, and am in desperate need of a hug, not cruelty. I am in desperate need of surroundings that comfort, console, embrace, warmth...nothing of brash and hard tones, that isn't my style. I'm draining so fast...God help me.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I'm so ill :-(
It's spring break...more than likely the last spring break I will ever have...and I'm congested, achy, and coughing up things of many colors (oh, so pretty!)
Nevertheless, I have a special someone in town that hasn't been here in ages (shh! It's a secret!) so I'm trying to be as lively as possible. While she jumps high off of the ground, I can hop...or maybe raise a leg slightly.
Today we have a jam-packed day planned. I just pray to God my lungs won't quit on me now. I also pray for a voice to sing with this weekend.
Nevertheless, I have a special someone in town that hasn't been here in ages (shh! It's a secret!) so I'm trying to be as lively as possible. While she jumps high off of the ground, I can hop...or maybe raise a leg slightly.
Today we have a jam-packed day planned. I just pray to God my lungs won't quit on me now. I also pray for a voice to sing with this weekend.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Pain
"Pain is useful for avoidance, for getting away when there's time to get away, but when it is end game, and no way back, pain is likely to be turned off, and the mechanisms for this are wonderfully precise and quick." ~Lewis Thomas
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Calming Down
"I Trust You" by James Fortune
Even though I can’t see
And I can’t feel Your touch
I will trust you, Lord
How I love You so much
Though my nights may seem long
And I feel so alone
Lord my trust is in you
I surrender to You
So many painful thoughts
Travel through my mind
And I wonder how
I will make it through this time
But I'll trust You
Lord it’s not easy
Sometimes the pain in my life
Makes You seem far away
But I’ll trust you
I need to know You’re here
Through the tears and the pain
Through the heartache and rain
I'll trust You.
Everything that I see
Tells me not to believe
But I’ll trust you, Lord
You have never failed me
My past still controls me
Will this hurt ever leave?
I can only trust You
No one loves like You do
So many painful thoughts
Travel through my mind
And I wonder how
I will make it through this time
But I'll trust You
Lord it’s not easy
Sometimes the pain in my life
Makes You seem far away
But I’ll trust you
I need to know You’re here
Through the tears and the pain
Through the heartache and rain
I'll trust You.
Even though I can’t see
And I can’t feel Your touch
I will trust you, Lord
How I love You so much
Though my nights may seem long
And I feel so alone
Lord my trust is in you
I surrender to You
So many painful thoughts
Travel through my mind
And I wonder how
I will make it through this time
But I'll trust You
Lord it’s not easy
Sometimes the pain in my life
Makes You seem far away
But I’ll trust you
I need to know You’re here
Through the tears and the pain
Through the heartache and rain
I'll trust You.
Everything that I see
Tells me not to believe
But I’ll trust you, Lord
You have never failed me
My past still controls me
Will this hurt ever leave?
I can only trust You
No one loves like You do
So many painful thoughts
Travel through my mind
And I wonder how
I will make it through this time
But I'll trust You
Lord it’s not easy
Sometimes the pain in my life
Makes You seem far away
But I’ll trust you
I need to know You’re here
Through the tears and the pain
Through the heartache and rain
I'll trust You.
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