"May the wrong influences from whatever source or sources be driven away!"
...now why would she want me to get rid of her? Well...if you insist! I can have that arranged. -Don't ANY of you dare fucking push me any more than you already have. Let me fucking breathe and stop SHOVING me off the damn edge!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hatred in my Heart
It's February, can you imagine? Time always flies...it's more shocking when it slows down, but it always suprises me when I blink my eyes and suddenly I'm forwarded into a new month.
I've been feeling like such a robot lately. School and church, church and school...and in between church and school, I eat. When I'm away from the thoughts of school, church, and eating, I'm holding my breath waiting for the next exasperating crap to erupt and plop on my lap.
I feel like my heart is under the heaviest weight and I'm pinned down...unable to reposition or get up and move forward.
I'm alotted 15 minutes to let the stress fester and consume my thoughts, then I'm supposed to just let it go and continue my attempt to function. ~I'm lacking vibrance. I feel so dead after all of the up and down hell that I've lost my vibrance. I feel pale and limp.
That one brief moment back in January where I had the opportunity to just let the waste go...my GOD that was such a great feeling. For that one brief moment I felt so empowered...I allowed myself to actually think for myself, and control my life, but then it backfired because I actually allowed hope to come back in. I allowed myself to hope.
Everyone has their own version of hell. This is mine, and it is the heaviest crap I have ever encountered. Add that with the mix of isolation and you have straight up depression.
Priest said in the end you may have to choose. I choose the ones who make me feel loved. I choose the ones that in the end, I feel comfort and that I'm actually wanted, appreciated and respected. How much longer must I allow myself to be consumed with the patronism, hypocrisy, and verbal abuse? -The brash approach will never get you anywhere, that's how people let go of you.
Compassion. Embrace. Warmth. I am told that in the worst case, I am to choose. Well, damn. Freedom from fear? Or being continued to be pissed on in imprisonment by those who will forever think less of me.
It's draining to constantly kill myself trying to convince the ones who think I am nothing that I have actually accomplished something...when the ones who respect me and show it acclaim that I have achieved so much beyond my sight and I am worth everything.
To choose to see the value within myself and find the will to smile with ease, or continue the urge to grit my teeth as I am whipped by the unconstructive criticism by this faux perfection that is impossible to attain.
You know you're in the wrong when you're on the verge of wishing someone dead. You know you need a change when the one you want dead is yourself. You know the ones who care are the ones who ask why you cry to embrace you in the end, versus the ones who ask why you cry to fucking piss on you more...and with what weight?
I went to confession two weeks ago because I have so much hatred in my heart. I have yet to forgive. I can't find it within myself. When I search within myself all I see is poison and a dagger that will slowly rip out and break away the flesh. To forgive means to completely forget and move forward. God help me.
I've been feeling like such a robot lately. School and church, church and school...and in between church and school, I eat. When I'm away from the thoughts of school, church, and eating, I'm holding my breath waiting for the next exasperating crap to erupt and plop on my lap.
I feel like my heart is under the heaviest weight and I'm pinned down...unable to reposition or get up and move forward.
I'm alotted 15 minutes to let the stress fester and consume my thoughts, then I'm supposed to just let it go and continue my attempt to function. ~I'm lacking vibrance. I feel so dead after all of the up and down hell that I've lost my vibrance. I feel pale and limp.
That one brief moment back in January where I had the opportunity to just let the waste go...my GOD that was such a great feeling. For that one brief moment I felt so empowered...I allowed myself to actually think for myself, and control my life, but then it backfired because I actually allowed hope to come back in. I allowed myself to hope.
Everyone has their own version of hell. This is mine, and it is the heaviest crap I have ever encountered. Add that with the mix of isolation and you have straight up depression.
Priest said in the end you may have to choose. I choose the ones who make me feel loved. I choose the ones that in the end, I feel comfort and that I'm actually wanted, appreciated and respected. How much longer must I allow myself to be consumed with the patronism, hypocrisy, and verbal abuse? -The brash approach will never get you anywhere, that's how people let go of you.
Compassion. Embrace. Warmth. I am told that in the worst case, I am to choose. Well, damn. Freedom from fear? Or being continued to be pissed on in imprisonment by those who will forever think less of me.
It's draining to constantly kill myself trying to convince the ones who think I am nothing that I have actually accomplished something...when the ones who respect me and show it acclaim that I have achieved so much beyond my sight and I am worth everything.
To choose to see the value within myself and find the will to smile with ease, or continue the urge to grit my teeth as I am whipped by the unconstructive criticism by this faux perfection that is impossible to attain.
You know you're in the wrong when you're on the verge of wishing someone dead. You know you need a change when the one you want dead is yourself. You know the ones who care are the ones who ask why you cry to embrace you in the end, versus the ones who ask why you cry to fucking piss on you more...and with what weight?
I went to confession two weeks ago because I have so much hatred in my heart. I have yet to forgive. I can't find it within myself. When I search within myself all I see is poison and a dagger that will slowly rip out and break away the flesh. To forgive means to completely forget and move forward. God help me.
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