November News

It's been such a crazy and overwhelming month.

Blessings to the Trammel family. May Mama Pong rest in peace. She was an endearing and loving woman to all who knew her. She was the tita with the unforgettable kisses and embraces that stay embedded in your memory. Love to all who were touched by this wonderful woman.

Blessings to the Dacanay family. May Manang Alma rest in peace. She was a wonderful, strong woman with an even stronger heart. Blessings to her and all who knew her.

I thank the Lord for the blessings he has bestowed upon me. Guiding me and giving me the strength to earn my degree, comforting me through the challenges and blessing me with the joys of my work, and surrounding me with those who love and care for me when I need it the most...and even continue to express it when it's sought out the least.

Thank you, Lord for my fiance. He continues to inspire me and challenge me in my faith and who I am. Because of what I see in him, I have aspired to utilize the strength within myself, and now I am healthier and happier more than I ever have been. He brought me back to You, and despite the hurt I feel in this world, I know comfort and positive fulfillment of the heart can always be found when I turn to You, Lord. I should never feel alone when I see You living in the hearts of those around me. And now I am blessed to be with a man who lives to serve You. I no longer feel abandoned. You are always with me.

Thank you, Father for blessing my sisters and brother-in-laws with a child and child-to-be. Watch over them as they continue to grow in love for one another and the families they are building.

So blessed!

I greatly appreciate all those who have been so supportive and have been calling up and checking up on me, asking how things are and if I'm okay, how the jobs are going...etc. You truly are great people. :-)

Music teaching has been great. There are the overwhelming days, but the students keep me on my toes. Tomorrow I begin private teaching once again. I love doing what I love as a job. Not many get to say that, and it's definitely a blessing. I get paid to teach what I love with kids that are great, a staff that's supportive and helpful every step of the way, all is well.

Do I see this as forever? I'm not quite sure yet, but I do know that I want to see these kids grow. But I'm just taking it day by day.

I really thought I would be in a cubicle...who would have thought I would have a classroom? God's funny. :-P

I'm *so* excited for what the future has in store. :-) No one can take away this sublime happiness. :-D

I came home to a job! Possibly 2...3...4 jobs!

I was expecting the job hunt to be a *least* another month or two by the time I came home from Europe, but the following morning on the 12th I was called into St. Frances Cabrini School...I got the job! Kind of. :-P

Because I don't have a teaching certificate or classroom management experience, we are doing a 3-month probationary period to see how it goes. By the time Christmas Break rolls around, we're going to re-evaluate and see if I should teach for the rest of the year.

Today (Monday, 20th) was my first day...overall, it was a *great* experience. It was an exhausting experience...nerve-wrecking...fun...memorable...frustrating...patience-testing experience. It really is comforting to teach in a spiritual environment, because no matter what my title is, it really does not feel like a job...it's an extension of a comforting home that I already belong to, and to be openly able to express my faith through music to these kids...it's a beautiful thing. :-)

Today I taught preschool through 5th grade. Each class was back to back, and it was a real test of time management, control and connection to each age group. I was absolutely terrified, but I survived! Wednesday will be Day 2 with the grades, and then Friday will be 6th grade. In time I will be teaching 7th and 8th, but for now that's on hold.

What's even crazier is that I have an interview tomorrow for ANOTHER job at ANOTHER school...but *this* time it is for mainly Administrative work and assisting teachers with students who have difficulty in school.

I may or may not get this position, but for the next two weeks I have agreed to take on part of the position on my Tuesdays and Thursdays as an assistant for childcare in the late afternoons after school. And let us not forget my music directing gig for the music ministry of St. Frances Cabrini Church on the weekends!

I don't know if I'm hungrier to earn $$ or experience, but Lord knows I'm definitely *hungry.* I just pray I don't overwork myself.

How ironic...I graduate to go FAR FAR away from school...and now I'm back in school. Sheesh.

I really *really* thought that I would be working in a cubicle inside a high skyscraper in the heart of Seattle. At this point in my life, I dig the fact that I was wrong. :-) (I hope I'm not too quick to say that...after all it has only been one day. :-P)

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A special prayer intention for my mother and my family.

Day 13-14: Final Days in Denmark...

Day 13 (Friday):

We did some last minute shopping in Lyngby...found SO many things I wanted to purchase for interior decorating and for the backyard, but alas...1) too expensive 2) won't fit in my suitcase....sigh. Makes my heart hurt. :-P

Went back to Sorgenfri...spent the rest of the afternoon/evening there, had the very last home-cooked yummy meal by Sidsel, Pasta Carbonara yum yum yum! and then...

Off to the Ice Bar in Copenhagen! *SO* fun! *SO* cool, literally! Iced sculptures in the walls...you wear fuzzy, insulated poncho thingies, the cocktail glasses are made of ICE, the tables were ICE, the game tables were ICE, the seats were WOOD (kidding...they were ice too. :-D)

Then we went to a loungy/restauranty/bar...then we had hotdogs that were very yummy, fatty awesomeness...

Came home (U.S. clubbing time...2isham) to find that I may possibly have a job!?!? Maybe...we'll see what is offered to me...I'm coming home to a meeting Monday morning to see about a music teaching position, pray for me, please! (Geez, how ironic would that be...I finally get out of school just to get back in it again...that'd be funny. :-P)


Day 14 (Saturday): Latest I woke up here ever! I knocked the eff OUT and woke up around 1ishPM...woke up to immediately eat yummy yummy pizza! Then I had to pack up...rest a while and then we had we went to a nice "cozy" (depending on who you talk to ;-)) French restaurant. Sigh...the farewell dinner...

The vacation has come and gone! We were so blessed to have such great weather these past two weeks! But yesterday was the first rainy day I really encountered while I've been here, but it wasn't so bad...(::Sniff:: Denmark's sad to see me go!) :-P


To Sidsel and Troels: Thank you so much for taking care of me and showing me around. You've been great hosts and I will miss you both a great deal!

Troels: I'm going to miss your video-gaming, goofy "colorfully opinionated ;-)" nature. :-D You're a great guy, thanks for introducing me to your family, the fun foods, and my new comic book addiction!!! Take care of my girl, Sidsel and I wish you all the best with the job hunt. And congratulations on your new toy, Red Chili!

Sidsel: It brought back GREAT memories to be roomies again for these past two weeks! I love you *SO* much and I'm teary to think that we'll be countries apart again soon. :-( Thanks for re-introducing me to your families, the girl-to-girl chats, and the yummy home-cooking! I pray that you have a successful and fun final year of college.


I wish all the best for you both and I *really* hope to see you next year in Seattle! That would mean the WORLD to me! Remember to keep me posted!

Until next time! T-Minus 10 hours until I board the plane back to the beautiful U.S. of A!


Godnat!


PS

Troels: I'll trade you TWO Stink Beans for a Chili Bean IF you bring Bohnanza to the states next year! THREE Wax Beans on me! :-D hehehe....(But no Blue Beans, k thanks. :-D) hehe! I made a funny...;-) Love you both!

PPS

On another note: I still remember. I will never forget.

Day 12: Part I- Farewell to Copenhagen!

So when Sidsel came home from school, we took the train into Copenhagen, but before roaming around there we took a quick walk-around through Christiania.

Christiania is known as "Freetown" because of its urban culture and relaxed atmosphere. It was most definitely the most unique area I had seen my entire vacation, incomparable to any other part of Denmark.

This was the one place I wanted to take lots of pictures, but once you're enter this area, photos are not allowed because of the...um..."happy" people don't want to be photographed...if you know what I mean. :-P There are other reasons as well, but that's one of the main reasons, I'm sure.

A lot of amazing graffiti art, happy-hippie people everywhere...unique and colorful atmosphere rich with bold character. Oh, and lots of brownies. ;-)

...Then we went into Copenhagen and looked at some *amazing* Danish interior design. I love the look of Danish furniture and how the Danish designed kitchenware looks and functions. I bought a really cool salt'n'pepper shaker and some cool coasters.

Tomorrow: I will be seeing Hillerod for the first time for some last minute shopping, and then we come home early to have dinner and dress up for our last night on the town in Copenhagen. (I can't believe the trip's coming to a close! :-( I'm not ready!)

Day 11: Dinner w/Troel's Parents and SATC Night!

Today was a relaxed day...as they all have been, of course. But today was mainly job hunting day and then for dinner we went to Troels' parent's house.

I would tell you what we ate, but I don't know how to spell it at the moment. But we had very traditional Danish food...SO traditional, it's hardly eaten here. :-P But it was nice of them to make it for the evening. It was really yummy.

Afterward Sidsel and I had a night to ourselves and we watched a couple of SATC episodes while flipping through ******* magazines. Yay girl's night! Just like the good ol' dorm days. :-)

But as I had mentioned, I have been applying for jobs like mad via Campus Point and the Archdiocese of Seattle website. Nobody's biting yet, but I'm praying for good things. I will continue to be on the hunt. (Don't ask me how many places I've applied to and what I've been applying for...there's too many to count.)


Tomorrow: The beginning of a 2-Part Copenhagen Farewell! Part I: Freetown Christiania and window shopping in Copenhagen!

Day 10: Tivoli Amusement Park

Have you ever gone to an amusement park and the first thing that came to your mind was: "This is so romantic!"

...I know, right? That was *not* what I was expecting, but it really was! Just like the majority of everything else I have seen here, Tivoli is *beautiful.*

We went late at night and most of the rides weren't running, but there was scenic lighting throughout the park, beautiful fountains and gardens, live big band music with a VERY large band/orchestra, chic and cute little restaurants, it was, once again, a very good time. :-)

Of course, I could also see where the fun comes into play, they have insane rides and nostalgic carnival games. A broad variety of things to do in a conveniently compacted space planted right in the heart of Copenhagen. :-)

"Once you're in the park, you would never guess that you are in the center of Copenhagen." Very true to form, Sidsel and Troels. The buildings and rides are stacked high in the park...once you're inside you are tucked away into this fantasy-like atmosphere.

I dig it. :-)

~Tomorrow: Dinner with Troel's parents!

Day 9: Helsingor and Kronborg Castle

Today we went to Helsingor to see Kronborg Castle, known by many as "Elsinore," the setting in Shakespeare's Hamlet. This is where Hamlet was first performed. It was cool with a great view of Sweden (Some Danes don't think this is the *greatest* thing in the world, lol)...the creepiest but coolest part of the castle was going BELOW it....spooky spooky.

Below the castle there is a stature of Holger the Dane. Legend has it that if Denmark were to ever be under attack, Holger would wake up from his sleep and protect them. dun dun dunnn...

Then we had some yummy open-faced sandwiches in Helsingor...did some shopping...hehe ;-)

Tomorrow: Tivoli! :-D

Day 8: Dim Sum in Denmark! :-D

We started off the day with going to mass at Sankt Knud Lavard. They had English masses, but why would I go to that when I can always do that at home? So we went to a Danish-speaking mass...it was very cool. :-) I knew most of the songs and the service music, but it was sung in Danish!! Very awesome. :-)

It was a humble and simplistic church, not elaborate like the ones in Copenhagen for the Protestant religions, but it was very communal and welcoming. :-) A lot of the Danish immigrants attended, lots of Vietnamese, Chinese were the majority of the congregation. (Don't ask me what the homily was about, though coz' I have no idea...and apparently neither do my friends because it was an Indian priest trying to speak Danish. :-P)

During the day Troels stepped out with his friends and bought his dream canoe! :-D (I hope they call her "Red Chili" :-D hehe)

And then in the evening I treated them out for their very first taste of dim sum and Royal Garden in Copenhagen. I was impressed, *very* yummy! ~Apparently we were sitting next to a very famous chef in Denmark. I was next to a celebrity and didn't even know it!

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Tomorrow Sidsel and I will be heading off to Helsingor to see "Hamlet's Castle" :-) and then dinner with her mommy.

Tuesday night: Tivoli

Wednesday night: Dinner with Troel's parents

Thursday: Christiania...lol, check it out at christiania.org

Friday: Copenhagen shopping with Sidsel, and a final night out in the city!

Saturday: Last day here. ::sniff:: Food/Packing day.

Sunday: Back to the U.S. of A...sigh. :-P


I pray we have perfect weather this week just as we have been having. :-)

Day 6-7: Copenhagen Night Life and Lyngby Soe

Copenhagen nightlife is insane...people can roam around here with a full bottle of wine at hand and drink freely wherever they please.

We went to a club that didn't close until 6 in the AM...and they were serving beer for free until 1 in the AM!? Insane...we couldn't keep up, we left got home at 4:30. :-P

Today we were supposed to be homebodies, but it was too beautiful of a day to pass up. We went canoeing and it was very fun, relaxing times. :-) For lunch I tried open-faced sandwiches a lot of pickled herring, mackarel and fish cake. :-) nom nom nom!


And that, my friends, is the end of week 1!


Tomorrow I will be checking out one of the Catholic churches over here...I'm assuming they're not as elaborate or grand as the churches I had seen in Copenhagen the other day because it was never a prominent religion over here, but we shall see. :-)

Day 5: Copenhagen

Troels and Sidsel gave me the *best* tour of Copenhagen! I saw many churches, the arial view of Copenhagen, the royal palace, the most popular restaurant in the world NOMA, shops, funky foods...it was a great time. Then I went jogging with Sidsel, then she made the yummiest lasagnas ever.

Photos on my FB!

Tomorrow: Going to venture off to Lyngby, dinner, then Tivoli (sp) for live music, and then central Copenhagen to check out the night life! :-D

I wonder if next week is going to be as eventful...is it possible!?

Day 4: Day of Rest

All of my days have been days of rest! :-)

But instead of venturing off to Lyngby, I ended up staying home and catching up on reading material that *isn't* assigned text for school...it's vacation, after all! :-) It was a very relaxing day.

I even fell asleep on the balcony and woke up to find a butterfly on my hand! :-D (She moved away before I could take a picture :-(...)

Weather has really been good to us this week. :-)

So anyway, I am currently reading Jodi Picoult's "Nineteen Minutes." I love her, she's one of my favorite authors. ~And now thanks to Troels I have a new comic I'm addicted to!! (which is perfect because my manga has been discontinued and I forgot my Archie Comics :-(...)

For us college grads and grad students...you will LOVE this:

http://www.phdcomics.com/ .....<----(sorry, I can't get the links to work. just copy and paste)

I'm definitely buying these books when I get home!


Sidsel made another yummy dinner for us tonight (I'm *definitely going to miss her cooking when I head home! Must take advantage of the home cooking while I'm here. :-))

And then Sidsel and I played video games to top off the night. This is *my* kind of vacation: Good weather, good food, great company, video games, shopping, art, books...annnd...

Tomorrow: Copenhagen exploring!

Friday: Copenhagen nightlife!!!

Saturday: Day of rest. :-D hehe

LOVING THIS! :-D Hope you're loving your days too!

Day 3: I saw Sweden!

Well...kind of. :-) We went to the beach and I saw from far away a beautiful city light view of Sweden. :-)

Today Sidsel and Troels (Sidsel's boyfriend) had to work, so it was the first day I ventured out on my own! :-) Very exciting. I only roamed around Sorgenfri, haven't taken the bus around by myself yet, but I intend to do that tomorrow and take the bus back to Lyngby :-)

When Sidsel got home from work we went to the grocery store to pick up food for dinner, then we went jogging. (I got a workout in during my vacation! YES!) THEN after dinner the *best* part of all...

http://www.louisiana.dk/dk/Service+Menu+Right/English

It was AMAZING! I'm sad we didn't get to stay very long, but we did stay long enough for me to know that I definitely want to study more about Sophie Calle...her art is so bizarre and I was intrigued. :-)

It was a great exhibit, I saw a lot of Andy Warhol, Sophie Calle, and (of course) the Danish Collection. :-) We were so blessed, because we went late at night we practically had the entire museum all to ourselves! I was going to purchase some things for keepsakes, but they would have been all books that I can purchase at home...so I have something to look forward to in the bookstores when I get back into town. :-)

In the evening was when I got the chance to see Sweden with a beautiful August moon reflecting over the water. :-) And we had the beach all to ourselves too! We ended the night visiting with Troel's parents...top night, I say! :-)


Tomorrow, I'm off to Lyngby again and *maybe* Frilandsmuseet:

http://www.nationalmuseet.dk/sw20374.asp

Thursday: Sidsel has the day off! whee! We're going to venture out into Copenhagen!!! Exciting! :-D

:-)

Denmark: Day 2

Today Sidsel and I walked to the town nearby, Lyngby. Walking there, I saw beautiful lakes and open fields...then we went to the shopping areas (of course! ;-))

We just got home from having dinner at her father's place, saying goodbye to her aunt before she leaves back for Denver (she was visiting here during the month of August.) I also met Sidsel's grandmother, 89 years old and she's so vibrant and fun to chat with, they all were!

SO stuffed from all of the foreign foods I've been trying! So far I've tried liver paste, different breads, (Sidsel's aunt's friend from Belgium brought chocolates, YUM), beer and cider....oof, I need to go jogging tomorrow.

Tomorrow evening we will be going to the Louisiana Museum of Modern Art...SO excited for that!



I haven't been taking many pictures...I need to get better at that. :-P

Hello from Denmark!

Hi, friends!

I can't believe I'm here in Denmark, this is so surreal! It is such a beautiful country, I can't wait to dive in and explore it! I feel very sluggish right now, but hopefully I'll be up to the challenge to roaming about. I will be sharing my adventures on my blog, thanks for reading!

So, I arrived in Copenhagen at about 8:30ish...9AM. I had been traveling over 24 hours to get here, I am exhausted! For those who need to be filled in, I'm visiting one of my old college roommates, Sidsel. :-)

I am currently in a place called Sorgenfri, where Sidsel and Troels live. It is a little north of Copenhagen, very quiet, peaceful, and BEAUTIFUL suburbs. Tomorrow Sidsel and I are going to explore a town near here called, Lyngby. "Lyng" stands for flowers in the field, and "by" means "city." Sorgenfri means...oh poop, I forget what it means. Without worry, I think?...Anyhoo, she's going to show me around there and then we're going to have dinner with her dad's family.

I would type more, but I'm so sleepy. Half-delirious/half-danish food coma. :-P

I will share more tomorrow.

Goodnight all! :-)

PS

I'm not a travel blogger by *any* means, so I'm not going to be very informative on the town itself and the history/descriptions of what I see. I'm just filling y'all in on what I'm up to and then I'll describe in person when I come home. :-)

On the Job Hunt

I have my first interview today! (sort of) In Washington and Oregon, we have CampusPoint.com. It's kind of like Monster, but for college grads. I have a group interview this afternoon with them, I'm praying for good things. :-)

This Saturday is my graduation party, which I'm super excited for! :-) And then next weekend, I'm off to Denmark! I'm really looking forward to seeing my old roommate, Sidsel and her hometown. While I'm there I will update in here often and share about all the fun sites I will see. :-)

Hello, August!

Summer is just flying by, isn't it?

One update I want to share is that my boyfriend and I have joined Weight Watchers. :-) We completed one full week already and we're midway into our second.

I haven't lost weight yet, but I do feel better about the foods I've been eating, and I'm *gradually* getting back into exercising. It really helps to have someone to do it with. I'm doing the online WW program, so we'll see how it goes. My goal is to lose 22 pounds so I can get back down to 120. But my ultimate goal is to just be able to fit into my clothes again so I don't have to keep wearing the same pair of pants and blouse every single day. :-\

I am currently on the job hunt...and in a few weeks I am Europe-bound! I think...I hope. :-P

Happy August! :-)

Retail Therapy and Clay

My new therapy craft: Ceramics

I dig it. :-)

Yes, you know I paint, but now I'm attempting to mold. It's a messy lil' buggar, but it's a joy I'm going to savor while the clay is abundant. Yep.

Oh! And my footsies are dressed with fun shoes again. :-) I dig my happy feet. :-P

Sigh, again!?

I'm in such a cranky-ass mood and I can't shake it!

Last night I couldn't sleep because of the most silliest of thoughts, and then today the psychotic ranting NOISE just started ringing again...and again...and AGAIN AND AGAIN, KILLING my most relieved calm SO FAST that now I'm in the shittiest of moods...yet again.

I'm also irritated beyond belief because I have to perform tomorrow at the church with sheet music that I don't have because I left it in Renton...damn it all to hell.

The littlest of things are making me so upset...more than likely due to the damned fact that I will always and forever have this ringing barking noise in my head that will NEVER go away!

I want to shove the fucking diamond down that throat NOW, or stuff it up that putrid ass! GRRRRRR!!!

SHAMELESS!! SO SHAMELESS!! Karma is a bitch, and y'all are going straight to hell.

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I'm not meant to breathe well in this world, so I might as well have a cigarette.

I appreciate

I appreciate the ones who have reached out. Your efforts to try are not ignored. That one moment of genuine care makes time stop for a brief second to realize there's reason to be hopeful.
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Happy Birth Month to my beloved. :-) I hope your birthday celebrations have been everything you wanted them to be and more. You are valued and loved by many for a reason...the care you give to others is not overlooked. Your love for others is appreciated so strongly in a way that it has the power to change lives--I am living proof of this fact.

You inspire me and help me to grow and move forward. My heart is warmed by the thought of continuing to move forward in life with you.

I don't dig selfish people.

There is one who always contacts me to share about nothing more than herself and not *once* does she *ever* ask about my well being. I don't cater to the already catered. Relationships are give and take, and I've given more than enough.

I'm also tired of those who keep bitching and whining that I don't do my part for them. Fuck you all, why try and continue to give to the heartless who can't look into their own damn mirror? Y'all should stop looking down on me and look up once in a while, because that's where lightning's going to strike on your sorry asses.

The selfish, the self-righteous, the self-centered, the arrogant, the patronizing, y'all can fucking go to hell. I'm so tired of you people. Get out of my space, go back to where you came from and continue to fester.

I made my own fortune cookie quote!

"It is good to look towards the future if the steps to get there are within your reach today. But if you worry about a part of the future you are not called to shape, that means it is not meant for you to currently look at." ~me

The Light

It was looking dim for a while...was starting to feel backed into the corner of a very dark room again, but my brudder saved me with his flashlight. :-P hehe.

I refuse to drop anchor...I WILL push through this hell. I always do.

Even though I have the flu and I'm in hell

The show must go on...damnit.

...UGH! Can't stand it.

What I have learned thus far...

Trust no one but the ones who love you. The ones who truly want nothing more for me except happiness wouldn't dare cause remotely half of the hell you are putting me through.

I was your support through your hell last year, what compells you to want to be mine?

I promise you, when this is over, (and we WILL be done with this), I am done with you. No matter what happens, I am through with you.

Once this is done, I'm moving on with the vow to never allow this much poison to enter my home ever again.

"what's wrong?"

When people ask me that question, I don't even know what to say anymore because I've been feeling so down from multiple things for so long now that it's just a blurred stream of strain and muddled sad emotions with no specific detail. When people want a back story to why I'm feeling so down, I have nothing to share because the response is either one of two things: 1) it's the same as it always has been 2) you've been out of my life for far too long, therefore I don't have any energy whatsoever to fill you in, it's too exhausting to go that far back in time...okay maybe three things: 3) your comfort is appreciated, but it's not what I'm looking for.

And I don't know what I'm looking for, but I sure as hell haven't found it yet. :(. Because if I did, I wouldn't have had anoher crying melting breakdown like a just did a moment ago. Seriously, these sporadic emotional breakdowns are really taking a toll on me, and it's KILLING ME that I don't have the proper outlet.

I'm typing until I start to get drowsy. I think it's finally working. Until next time...

I'm trying my damned hardest to smile,

But they sure as hell don't make it easy.

Don't mind me, it's my diary after all.

No, really. Don't pay attention to this emo-phase I'm going through. I'm just sending this out into the void.

-At times I feel like there's no one to talk to...but at times maybe that's a good thing, because that always gets me into trouble. And although it may be better, it sure as hell doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling such a loss inside.

Ugh, I hate how you all have traumatized me for life. Condescending, patronizing, insensitive, brash, barking, cruel CRUEL, closed-minded people! I've worked so hard for this moment approaching, and all I can do is dread. People rejoice in this, cry tears of happiness, who do I get to do that with for more than a moment?

I've been so suffocated and trapped with the thoughts of you. I'm about to crack.

"It's not enough just to have good intentions behind those actions. It doesn't change the fact that they could be wrong."

When will I finally allow myself to live?

Oh, and in my other world...the prepubescent, pompous banter from the self-righteous. Waste of space is what it is.

And I've also accepted that I will never ever be able to immerse myself in an environment that I will never be able to fully embrace in its entirety. What the fuck is wrong with that? Nothing is my exact point! Can you handle that? Or after all that you've been taught, is that still not enough for you? If that's the case, let's just be real with it. You want a criteria, I want acceptance. Continue to press me and I will bounce out so fast, it will be like nothing new.

Okay, that's enough of my rant for all. Happy May-month, everyone. :-/

I can't help it

I feel love from every which way, at the same time it feels so far away. I find myself crying at the most random of times, completely helpless feeling and bedbound.

I know if I were to put forth effort, comfort would be there, but sometimes you want to be the one who is reached out to, yes? And even then...I no longer know which hand that is reaching out to me is the right one to accept.

I've known this for a while, but I don't do well with change. It can't be helped, but they have been happening so fast and I feel like I haven't been able to keep up with them.

I thank God for guiding me as He has in this past year. I thank Him for stabilizing my life and helping me find a purpose and a focus, but the process has been so hard...so much of the time I feel like I'm fighting forward alone.

Is that even possible? To have love within your grasp and still feel lonely.
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Slightly off topic, but connecting to it, I'm absolutely dreading May. And I hate that I'm dreading it, it's as if it has already been robbed from me. What's supposed to be a joyful time has already been another vacation that I fear for the life of me. I fear that it will be another time where I will be placed on a backburner...either that or the hotseat. And I won't be able to savor any moment I should be savoring.

That moment will not be taken away from me. I refuse to be robbed of a time that is meant for me and for those who love. I don't care if I am a sidenote, but if I am a burden, then don't bother.
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I'm tired, lonely, and am in desperate need of a hug, not cruelty. I am in desperate need of surroundings that comfort, console, embrace, warmth...nothing of brash and hard tones, that isn't my style. I'm draining so fast...God help me.

I'm so ill :-(

It's spring break...more than likely the last spring break I will ever have...and I'm congested, achy, and coughing up things of many colors (oh, so pretty!)

Nevertheless, I have a special someone in town that hasn't been here in ages (shh! It's a secret!) so I'm trying to be as lively as possible. While she jumps high off of the ground, I can hop...or maybe raise a leg slightly.

Today we have a jam-packed day planned. I just pray to God my lungs won't quit on me now. I also pray for a voice to sing with this weekend.

Pain

"Pain is useful for avoidance, for getting away when there's time to get away, but when it is end game, and no way back, pain is likely to be turned off, and the mechanisms for this are wonderfully precise and quick." ~Lewis Thomas

Calming Down

"I Trust You" by James Fortune

Even though I can’t see
And I can’t feel Your touch
I will trust you, Lord
How I love You so much
Though my nights may seem long
And I feel so alone
Lord my trust is in you
I surrender to You


So many painful thoughts
Travel through my mind
And I wonder how
I will make it through this time


But I'll trust You
Lord it’s not easy
Sometimes the pain in my life
Makes You seem far away
But I’ll trust you
I need to know You’re here

Through the tears and the pain
Through the heartache and rain
I'll trust You.


Everything that I see
Tells me not to believe
But I’ll trust you, Lord
You have never failed me
My past still controls me
Will this hurt ever leave?
I can only trust You
No one loves like You do


So many painful thoughts
Travel through my mind
And I wonder how
I will make it through this time


But I'll trust You
Lord it’s not easy
Sometimes the pain in my life
Makes You seem far away
But I’ll trust you
I need to know You’re here

Through the tears and the pain
Through the heartache and rain
I'll trust You.

BURNING HOLE

THEY ARE FUCKING DRIVING ME AWAY, AND IF ANYONE SUPPORTS ME OUT THERE, SOMEONE TELL THEM TO BACK THE FUCK OFF OF ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING KILL MYSELF!

Ask and you shall receive

"May the wrong influences from whatever source or sources be driven away!"

...now why would she want me to get rid of her? Well...if you insist! I can have that arranged. -Don't ANY of you dare fucking push me any more than you already have. Let me fucking breathe and stop SHOVING me off the damn edge!

Hatred in my Heart

It's February, can you imagine? Time always flies...it's more shocking when it slows down, but it always suprises me when I blink my eyes and suddenly I'm forwarded into a new month.

I've been feeling like such a robot lately. School and church, church and school...and in between church and school, I eat. When I'm away from the thoughts of school, church, and eating, I'm holding my breath waiting for the next exasperating crap to erupt and plop on my lap.

I feel like my heart is under the heaviest weight and I'm pinned down...unable to reposition or get up and move forward.

I'm alotted 15 minutes to let the stress fester and consume my thoughts, then I'm supposed to just let it go and continue my attempt to function. ~I'm lacking vibrance. I feel so dead after all of the up and down hell that I've lost my vibrance. I feel pale and limp.

That one brief moment back in January where I had the opportunity to just let the waste go...my GOD that was such a great feeling. For that one brief moment I felt so empowered...I allowed myself to actually think for myself, and control my life, but then it backfired because I actually allowed hope to come back in. I allowed myself to hope.

Everyone has their own version of hell. This is mine, and it is the heaviest crap I have ever encountered. Add that with the mix of isolation and you have straight up depression.

Priest said in the end you may have to choose. I choose the ones who make me feel loved. I choose the ones that in the end, I feel comfort and that I'm actually wanted, appreciated and respected. How much longer must I allow myself to be consumed with the patronism, hypocrisy, and verbal abuse? -The brash approach will never get you anywhere, that's how people let go of you.

Compassion. Embrace. Warmth. I am told that in the worst case, I am to choose. Well, damn. Freedom from fear? Or being continued to be pissed on in imprisonment by those who will forever think less of me.

It's draining to constantly kill myself trying to convince the ones who think I am nothing that I have actually accomplished something...when the ones who respect me and show it acclaim that I have achieved so much beyond my sight and I am worth everything.

To choose to see the value within myself and find the will to smile with ease, or continue the urge to grit my teeth as I am whipped by the unconstructive criticism by this faux perfection that is impossible to attain.

You know you're in the wrong when you're on the verge of wishing someone dead. You know you need a change when the one you want dead is yourself. You know the ones who care are the ones who ask why you cry to embrace you in the end, versus the ones who ask why you cry to fucking piss on you more...and with what weight?

I went to confession two weeks ago because I have so much hatred in my heart. I have yet to forgive. I can't find it within myself. When I search within myself all I see is poison and a dagger that will slowly rip out and break away the flesh. To forgive means to completely forget and move forward. God help me.