I can't help it

I feel love from every which way, at the same time it feels so far away. I find myself crying at the most random of times, completely helpless feeling and bedbound.

I know if I were to put forth effort, comfort would be there, but sometimes you want to be the one who is reached out to, yes? And even then...I no longer know which hand that is reaching out to me is the right one to accept.

I've known this for a while, but I don't do well with change. It can't be helped, but they have been happening so fast and I feel like I haven't been able to keep up with them.

I thank God for guiding me as He has in this past year. I thank Him for stabilizing my life and helping me find a purpose and a focus, but the process has been so hard...so much of the time I feel like I'm fighting forward alone.

Is that even possible? To have love within your grasp and still feel lonely.
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Slightly off topic, but connecting to it, I'm absolutely dreading May. And I hate that I'm dreading it, it's as if it has already been robbed from me. What's supposed to be a joyful time has already been another vacation that I fear for the life of me. I fear that it will be another time where I will be placed on a backburner...either that or the hotseat. And I won't be able to savor any moment I should be savoring.

That moment will not be taken away from me. I refuse to be robbed of a time that is meant for me and for those who love. I don't care if I am a sidenote, but if I am a burden, then don't bother.
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I'm tired, lonely, and am in desperate need of a hug, not cruelty. I am in desperate need of surroundings that comfort, console, embrace, warmth...nothing of brash and hard tones, that isn't my style. I'm draining so fast...God help me.

I'm so ill :-(

It's spring break...more than likely the last spring break I will ever have...and I'm congested, achy, and coughing up things of many colors (oh, so pretty!)

Nevertheless, I have a special someone in town that hasn't been here in ages (shh! It's a secret!) so I'm trying to be as lively as possible. While she jumps high off of the ground, I can hop...or maybe raise a leg slightly.

Today we have a jam-packed day planned. I just pray to God my lungs won't quit on me now. I also pray for a voice to sing with this weekend.