Hello, 2012!

Over a year later...goodness.

I used to be so good at updating these... internet journals used to be such a healthy outlet for me with no shame or worry, but then as I got older and the number of readers began to grow I had to filter more and more until all my thoughts and feelings became code...until there was no point. My stress-reliever became too stressful because I had to be mindful of those around me, which is life. Nevertheless, here I am wanting to type away and update...mainly for my own sake to jot down memories.

For one...I'm a married woman now. :-) I am no longer a De Leon...rather, Tirol has been completely nixed from my name. I am Mrs. Maria Christina De Leon Bernal.

Richie and I got married on October 1, 2011. It was the most beautiful and traditionally chaotic wedding. I will always and forever remember that day for what it was...near complete perfection. It isn't until days, weeks, MONTHS later that you hear of these little aesthetic things that went awry, but I know now that on the day of, if you're surrounded by the right people, they hide and protect you from any silly logistical mishaps so you're completely *in* the moment. And because of them, I totally was...and I'm thankful. :-)

Months fly fast...I should have learned something from all that preparation, and most importantly our wedding day. I kept reminding myself that the prep and the actual day WILL go by fast, so I forced myself to mentally slow down, enjoy, and indulge in all that was going on so that I could appreciate and value every moment, and I did! But for some reason that advice and discipline went out the door once we came back from our honeymoon because we immediately were thrown back into our normal lives. Work came at us at full force, we've been so busy with this and that...all of a sudden it's been 5 months. Time does *not* slow down for you. You have to grab hold and embrace what you can as it passes by you. It took me a while, but I know that now. We know of a couple who has had a literally blissful 25+ years of marriage, sharing with us that their "honeymoon phase" has yet to fizzle...and I believe every word simply because their love exudes effortlessly out of them as individuals, -it can be nothing but the truth! Richie and I say to one another that we aspire to have a marriage like their's...they're such great role models. :-)

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In other news...

The Lord has been speaking to me and has been pressing to get my attention. I have no doubt He's been calling, but I have been having such a hard time trying to understand His message. He's been talking and showing Himself to me, but it's been like a puzzle...and my head and heart have been so cloudy I can't put the pieces together.

...I feel so damaged and scarred that there's this wall keeping me from finding true clarity in the message He's been wanting me to receive. (Yes, I refuse to deny the hardships, Lord knows there were many to get to where Richie and I are today)...I haven't willingly allowed myself to let go and let God...

I am aware of the abundant blessings and I am thankful to no end, but I refuse to lie and deny...I am still damaged. But He's been speaking to me now more than ever and there's always a reason for God's time...

-I went to confession today. It was the speediest impromptu confession I ever had...it was during my work day in between classes and I felt pressed to spill it all out in a list before my next class arrived, I didn't have time to reflect or relieve! It was the most unsettling and unnerving confession. ---Fr. Peter told me to read Luke Chapter 15...I'll get on that straight away before I sleep tonight. I may not get my answers right away because it's more of my impatience, I need to continue to work on His time and just...open my eyes, ears, and heart...pray for clarity and the strength to do whatever He wills.
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And that's that. We're already in Month 3 of 2012...sigh...see you in another year, Blogger readers! :-\ Hopefully sooner rather than later. ;-)