I appreciate

I appreciate the ones who have reached out. Your efforts to try are not ignored. That one moment of genuine care makes time stop for a brief second to realize there's reason to be hopeful.
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Happy Birth Month to my beloved. :-) I hope your birthday celebrations have been everything you wanted them to be and more. You are valued and loved by many for a reason...the care you give to others is not overlooked. Your love for others is appreciated so strongly in a way that it has the power to change lives--I am living proof of this fact.

You inspire me and help me to grow and move forward. My heart is warmed by the thought of continuing to move forward in life with you.

I don't dig selfish people.

There is one who always contacts me to share about nothing more than herself and not *once* does she *ever* ask about my well being. I don't cater to the already catered. Relationships are give and take, and I've given more than enough.

I'm also tired of those who keep bitching and whining that I don't do my part for them. Fuck you all, why try and continue to give to the heartless who can't look into their own damn mirror? Y'all should stop looking down on me and look up once in a while, because that's where lightning's going to strike on your sorry asses.

The selfish, the self-righteous, the self-centered, the arrogant, the patronizing, y'all can fucking go to hell. I'm so tired of you people. Get out of my space, go back to where you came from and continue to fester.

I made my own fortune cookie quote!

"It is good to look towards the future if the steps to get there are within your reach today. But if you worry about a part of the future you are not called to shape, that means it is not meant for you to currently look at." ~me

The Light

It was looking dim for a while...was starting to feel backed into the corner of a very dark room again, but my brudder saved me with his flashlight. :-P hehe.

I refuse to drop anchor...I WILL push through this hell. I always do.

Even though I have the flu and I'm in hell

The show must go on...damnit.

...UGH! Can't stand it.

What I have learned thus far...

Trust no one but the ones who love you. The ones who truly want nothing more for me except happiness wouldn't dare cause remotely half of the hell you are putting me through.

I was your support through your hell last year, what compells you to want to be mine?

I promise you, when this is over, (and we WILL be done with this), I am done with you. No matter what happens, I am through with you.

Once this is done, I'm moving on with the vow to never allow this much poison to enter my home ever again.

"what's wrong?"

When people ask me that question, I don't even know what to say anymore because I've been feeling so down from multiple things for so long now that it's just a blurred stream of strain and muddled sad emotions with no specific detail. When people want a back story to why I'm feeling so down, I have nothing to share because the response is either one of two things: 1) it's the same as it always has been 2) you've been out of my life for far too long, therefore I don't have any energy whatsoever to fill you in, it's too exhausting to go that far back in time...okay maybe three things: 3) your comfort is appreciated, but it's not what I'm looking for.

And I don't know what I'm looking for, but I sure as hell haven't found it yet. :(. Because if I did, I wouldn't have had anoher crying melting breakdown like a just did a moment ago. Seriously, these sporadic emotional breakdowns are really taking a toll on me, and it's KILLING ME that I don't have the proper outlet.

I'm typing until I start to get drowsy. I think it's finally working. Until next time...

I'm trying my damned hardest to smile,

But they sure as hell don't make it easy.

Don't mind me, it's my diary after all.

No, really. Don't pay attention to this emo-phase I'm going through. I'm just sending this out into the void.

-At times I feel like there's no one to talk to...but at times maybe that's a good thing, because that always gets me into trouble. And although it may be better, it sure as hell doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling such a loss inside.

Ugh, I hate how you all have traumatized me for life. Condescending, patronizing, insensitive, brash, barking, cruel CRUEL, closed-minded people! I've worked so hard for this moment approaching, and all I can do is dread. People rejoice in this, cry tears of happiness, who do I get to do that with for more than a moment?

I've been so suffocated and trapped with the thoughts of you. I'm about to crack.

"It's not enough just to have good intentions behind those actions. It doesn't change the fact that they could be wrong."

When will I finally allow myself to live?

Oh, and in my other world...the prepubescent, pompous banter from the self-righteous. Waste of space is what it is.

And I've also accepted that I will never ever be able to immerse myself in an environment that I will never be able to fully embrace in its entirety. What the fuck is wrong with that? Nothing is my exact point! Can you handle that? Or after all that you've been taught, is that still not enough for you? If that's the case, let's just be real with it. You want a criteria, I want acceptance. Continue to press me and I will bounce out so fast, it will be like nothing new.

Okay, that's enough of my rant for all. Happy May-month, everyone. :-/