Breathing Deeply with a Smile

There are random spurts where I will have relief. I can inhale and exhale with ease and feel a refreshing release.

But they are brief.

Majority of the time I have been having this shortness of breath...where my inhaling isn't full...and breathing out is never deep enough.

It's as if I am supressing something heavy within me that I am not allowing myself to be free from. It's weighing me down so heavily I'm suffocated by the thought.

Anxiety driven, insecurities reaching the surface once again, the feeling of inferiority with the simplest of stares looked down upon me. The judgment is so transparent that it cannot be compensated for.

Then there are the eyes of admiration. Those who see a light they claim is within me. But I cannot decipher the truth with what they see in their eyes versus what I see in mine. There's distortion with what I see in the mirror. It's physical. It's pschological. It's mental. But the emotions are pure. Yet, they cannot be expressed to the fullest because of the overlapping consequences. I have yet to overcome the vulnerability of my surroundings. Hence, the source of the distortion.

I'm sharing multiple thoughts combined into one. It's been so overwhelming that although they are seperate elements, the burden of them all has combined into one large emotion.

They haven't been set aside, but rather, I have yet to find the cure to overcome the hurt that continues to instill within me.

Prayer has been key. Action has been the fear to face. Learning to stand tall...I need to be reminded of the moments where I was once able, because suddenly...I am once again incapable on many levels. Not all, but the isolation has made the room cold. The silence has truly been deafening. I'm exhausted by the preconceived notion of others...that I am okay.

Remind me that I am. I need to be reaffirmed there are other smiles to look at. The smiles that cause the ripple effect and contagiously touch any heart that hurts.

Will someone smile for me? So I can breathe well again without worry.